the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize