Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
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Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
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The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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