I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
