So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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