My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
