Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
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You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
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I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon