You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
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I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
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Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.