Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.