Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.