Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.