i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
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You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
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I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas