Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
These Teachers Need To Be Fired
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Awful Traits That Pretentious People Exhibit
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.