dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.