My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I spit up blood this morning
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
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So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
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we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.