so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?