I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
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Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
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You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.