No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.