Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay