Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.