Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.