Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
These 23 People Are Living Shocking Lies
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The 17 Absolute Worst Divorces Imaginable
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex