We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
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you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
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You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?