You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
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She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
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I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.