I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.