The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.