Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
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He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
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This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.