He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.