Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
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He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
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Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.