She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
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she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
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I used to practice getting hit by cars.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.