I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
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Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.