She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"