Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
