I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke