Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.