I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?