Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated