That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this