I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.