sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO