Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
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Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live