It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.