The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black