"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.