I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
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I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.