It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.