He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
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gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
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He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?