24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
would you consider him our boss?
then technically i slept with our boss
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
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You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
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There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.