Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.