I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night