If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.