I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.