Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?