Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
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Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
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This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.