He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
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Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
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I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.