It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.