Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40