Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy