You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass