When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
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Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.