Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
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as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
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I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.