I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!