I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi